Saying Sorry vs Being Sorry

They say death and taxes are the only two things that are guaranteed in this life. I would like to amend that and add learning. Learning is something we do— be it consciously or not— until the day we die. Though I have yet to die, I know that I’m in my seventieth decade and the learning continues…!

My wife Deanna taught me something new— the concept of which I found to be quite the epiphany, once I let it sink in, that is: the difference between saying that you’re sorry, and actually being sorry.

With the former, you are saying it for you, to make yourself feel better. Oh, you couch it with the premise that you’re saying it for the person you’ve hurt— in your head, you say, “You’re sorry,” and that makes the other person feel better.

However, the reality is that you say, “I’m sorry,” and you are effectively absolving yourself of whatever wrong you’ve done. To the target of the apology, they’re actually just words. Unless you have the latter part— the actions that are generated from being sorry— you might as well just say “Captain Harris went to Paris;” it has the same effect.

Ironically— or maybe not— the Church (note the capital “C” in deference to the Catholic Church, not Protestant churches) has a similar paradigm in its canon. The first part, the apologizing part, is called “confession.” We do this for ourselves to  unburden our conscience by confessing our transgressions to the priest, who in turn forgives our sins in God’s stead. Part one: check.

As for the second part— the act of being sorry— the part that we do for others— is called “repentance.” We start this part by being contrite, which is a promise in our heart/head not to do whatever it is we did again. Still just words/thoughts, but now backed up this time by an affirming prayer: the “Act of Contrition.” Which leads us to the final piece of repentance—the actual hard part— consciously trying not to do it again. That’s the part— the action— that’s for the people whom we sinned against. 

One without the other— words/thoughts without actions— doesn’t really work. Again, you might as well just say “Professor Hill went to Brazil” and call it a day. Or a relationship. Empty words have the power to erode a relationship as surely as time built the Grand Canyon. You may be helping yourself in the short-term by making yourself feel better about your transgressions, but you’re not really assuaging the target of your offense, even if they don’t realize it— remember, everyone is doing that learning thin, and they might not have learned it yet.

Let’s review. “I’m sorry” is for you; it makes you feel better about what you’ve done. When we’re younger, it usually ends there, and we usually have to repeat it many times until we learn to add action to the words for whom it was said. Sadly, some people— I would venture to guess most— never learn this, and the results can be seen with a deep dive into the efficacy of their relationships.

Being sorry— actually making the effort to not do whatever it was you did that you need to apologize for— with or without the words— that’s for the person you offended. Most people take a long time to learn that simple plum. Took me sixty or so years to learn it— and I’m still learning it— but practice makes perfect, and I have a very patient teacher.

                                                          

© Ray Cattie